The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

The inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle died and
went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a
good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your
reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

The Inventor thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to
hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room,
and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't
You the Inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the Inventor, "professional to Professional,
You have
some major design flaws in Your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. It is unreliable when trying to turn it on.
6. The maintenance costs are outrageous.
And, finally,
7. It costs a fortune when you trade it in for a newer model."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on."
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few
words and waited for the results. The computer printed out
a slip of paper and God read it."Well, it may be true that
my invention is flawed," God said to the Inventor, "but
according to these numbers, more men want to ride my
invention than yours."

My day as a ricer:

I got up in the morning and put on my pants. I didn't feel like pulling them all the way up so I left them hanging below my ***. I thought this is cool in case I get a girl and need to flop my 2" rod at her quickly.

So I put on my cap, and out I went. I fell down the damn stairs because I tripped on my pants. That's okay I only hit my head and God knows I've done that many times before.

Anyway I got into my phat ride and hooked up my yellow padded seat belt. I had to re-new the layer of duct tape that kept the windshield from leaking because of my failed attempt to make it look like lexan. Other than that my car sounded so cool with the 5" tip I just got at Pep boys. Pep boys is wack, they have a cool section now. I hope I get the store credit card so I can buy a set of blue washer lights and ****!

At a red light I revved at some looser in a piece of **** V8 American car. The guy was cool because he started to laugh. I think it's cool that he can laugh at himself like that. No way he was laughing at me because in total I have like 150 HP because I bought new spark plugs and a exhaust tip. I have stickers of things that I'd like to buy for my car, so people better watch out.

The V8 guy didn't want to race me, but I showed him anyway and floored it. I manually shifted my automatic transmission when the red light from the monster tach lit my whole face. I got him by 15 car lenghts. Count to think of it, I think he turned to another street but the distance he was from me still counts right?

So here I am crusing along the street in first gear, in case I need to race again. My engine sounded so sweet revving at around 5k and my car going 15 MPH. All the ladies looked at me. I was so happy, if I wouldn't have painted my rear drums yellow I would have stopped to talk to them. I wanted my yellow paint on my drums to stay clean you know.

Finally I creep up to another damn American car at a red light. This guy was a joke. He had like these huge *** tires in the rear and it looked like he didn't even cut his springs, so I thought I had an advantage over him. His old car with "Rice Killer" on the rear window had a huge chrome hood ornament in the middle of the hood. It had 3 little holes on it and the whole thing moved left to right. I thought "dang, I wonder if Pep boys has something like that for me to bolt onto the hood too"? Heck I'd put it on the roof.

His car had side exhaust that blew what smelt like un-burnt gas into my passenger window. I would have rolled up the window but it's hard to pretend you have electric windows with the passenger window. I can do it very good with my window. People can't even tell that I don't have electric windows. The open window let all the noises this car made. It sounded like real ****. The car was shaking left and right while the engine sounded like it was going to stall at any moment! I was sure I'd win if we'd race. So I revved and revved until my "V-tech" light came on (I wired the V-tech light to turn on instead of "Check Engine" (much cooler that way).

The guy turned off his engine and got out of his car and ask me if I heard a loud bee? I was WTF bro? You smoking **** dude? I asked him if he wanted to race. The guy agreed and got back into his ugly car and started up the engine.

When the light finally turned green, I got tunnel vision and floored it. All I saw was my monster tach and the road ahead of me. When I got a couple of miles away from where the race started, I pulled back and looked behind me to see how far back the car was?

To my demise the guy was at a general store a little further UP the street. He had enough time to beat me in the race and get a pack of smokes before I could even catch up? I investigated his car once I arrived to the store a couple of minutes later. I was looking for two big bottles of NOS. The guy told me his car was blown. I pretended to understand because I've never heard that before on Fast and the Furious.

Well that was bad luck. Luckily I made him understand that my car has better HP per liter. Again he started to laugh at himself. I’m starting to like the V8 owners since they seem so open minded and capable of laughing about themselves.

I finally made it school and parked with my buddies. They have cool cars with ground effects and fake hood scoops. I told them about my drive to school that morning, which enticed them to watch Fast and the Furious again to see if they mention the term “blown”.

We had a great day at school.

I had my car towed back home because I forgot to turn off my powerful stereo system after lunch. I couldn’t just boost my car because I took off the alternator thing that just sucked up power from my engine. I went to bed and dreamed about how cool the next day would be.

gosh that's an accurate picture of the majority of rice out there. under all the idiocy there is still that inquisitive nature. fortunately some of us who were ricers convert. i had stickers on the front quarterpanel of my old bmw (the 530i). my mods amounted to the following:

320i high volume intake runners (4 from one car, 2 from another)

stahl headers w/ straight 2.5" pipe and supertrapp muffler (read - LOUD but still sounds like a three legged dog).

thermotec wrapped home made 3" cai w/ k&n filter.

drop springs, bbs wheels, hardy & beck sways, bilstein hd shocks

smog equipment deleted.

and man oh man i thought i was the SHIT. not only could i wipe the floor with ricers, but the V8 guys would actually entertain a race!! 'course they'd murder me o.j. simpson style. just a note, this was back before engine swaps were very popular. and up here, there was no fast rice. if you had a prelude, you were king.

oh, my intake was polished too!

jason
'75 bmw 3.0 cs resto project
'78 ih scout ii w/ tbi injection
'85 jaguar xj-s w/ chevy 383 stroker
'87 bmw 535is/A

HAHAHA!

Here's a conversation between two ricers I listened in upon:

Ricer 1: Hey dod you go street racing last night?
Ricer 2: Hell yeah! I raced an Eclipse!
Ricer 1: That's wicked awesome! Did you win?
Ricer 2: You know it!
Ricer 1: How'd it go down?
Ricer 2: Well, I stopped at a light next to this Eclipse which I could tell was totally tricked out because I could see it's muffler and it had a wing and some neons. So, I looked over and started revving up my car. [Which is a civic] He looked at me and sarted revving back. So we kept revving until the cross lights turned yellow, then I popped it back into drive. When our light hit green, we both took off. He was ahead of me until I hit the NAWZ. Then I caught up and we were close together. Then he slowed down and turned. So he forfeited. So I won!
Ricer 1: Cool! We should go race this saturday!
Ricer 2: Alright! Cool!

I just shook my head listening to their ricer BS. Ricers are so f*cking stupid.